I sometimes wonder if I am a bad person (or rather to how bad?). I am not looking for moral support here, just ruminating.
I have a short temper, am self-centered and selfish (one and the same?), and often not worthy of the affection showered upon me by those close to me that have to endure such behavior. This in itself is enough, but lately, it's gotten worse.
Sure I could go lie on a couch and confess to some licensed professional, but I am not sure why I do what I do. I doubt I would offer much for him to look into. I have taken a few psych. courses in college being a psych. major, I can see the motherly "don't do that" type of advice, but when in the heat of the moment, I guess I don't have the maturity to do what I know I should do.
I look back at my actions, and am repulsed. I don't understand why I am so miserable lately. Going to a shrink will not be productive, because I *know* what I should (or shouldn't) do, but when things go down, I do them anyway .... it's reactive, not premeditated. It's frustrating!
It takes so little to set me off. I can sit here all day and lay out *what* happened, but not WHY. It seriously irks me!
I remember going to sessions with my son's psychiatrist. Isaac and I were both having issues at the time.
He (my son) never really offered much to the doctor to give him any solution to the problem. I now realize maybe Isaac himself did not know. That only is clear to me, now, because of how hazy things (within mine own mind) are to me. It's pretty fucked up!
I have no grasp on this. I certainly don't like it. I am not in need of pharmaceutical treatment, but damn! WTF is up in my head?
I am not saying that everything I react to is without provocation. There are things that tick me off. Those around me have been around long enough to know what they are, but they recur anyway. However, it doesn't excuse my anger or intolerance lately.
To my one and only (beloved) follower, I am sorry. I don't get it. Bear with me. This cannot persist forever and I assure you I want this to end every bit as much as you do.
For anyone else reading, I am sure this comes across as awkward. It sure is for me, so welcome to my world. I will try to make other blogs more pleasant so no "outside" parties have to deal with this. It's bad enough on the inside.
Tomorrow is another day and that is what I hold on to, but I reckon it is up to *me* to make it a different day. I really hope I figure out how to do that ..... soon .... and before it's too late.
5 comments:
Eddie,
In your intro you say: "mostly recant personal experiences ... " You want to say: recount. Recant is when you tell one thing then change your mind and tell the truth. Or something like that.
Pete - to improve the writing
eddie dearest, we have been over this. i only know to pray about everything. i love you...
I didn't believe in therapy, but at one point things got bad enough that I was willing to give *anything* a try.
I didn't know why I did what I did, either... the mild disquiet with myself eventually evolved into full blown self loathing, and actual depression.
They put me on drugs, and I didn't think they'd work, but things were bad enough that I was willing to try. after 6-8 weeks, they started to work.
I went to see a therapist. At first it was horribly awkward... I didn't have any insight into myself, so I would just tell her about what was going on. It wasn't my job to figure out what was going on with me - that's what I was paying her for. Eventually, I got things worked out... Eventually, I was able to have the insight into myself and my thoughts and my actions to be able to actually make a choice about my actions, and to understand *why* I was making the choice.
Eventually, the fog lifted, and the depression passed.
It was genuinely touch and go for a long time...
If you don't understand why you're doing what you're doing, it might help to talk to someone whose job it is to figure that shit out. Sometimes we can't see who the guy in the mirror really is.
that's where you're wrong .... accountability ... such a lost premise, these days. i understand sometimes it is good to have an outside perspective, but again to say it's not your "job" to figure out what's going on with you is pretty sorry.
dad when i went to psychiatrist all those years ago maybe he didnt have solution but it helped me to have someone to listen to what was going on in my head without them being offended or angry or critical of what happens in my mind this helped be through the darkest part of my life things happened back that only a bare few souls on this earth know about. I still battle against depression it still haunts my existence but know thanks to a lended ear i can fight back and win.
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