No matter how hard I try
No matter what the consequence
The pressure builds and builds
Until it finally vents.
I don't enjoy these outbursts
Nor creating a scene
It happens automatically
I have to blow off steam.
I have tried to get a handle on it
Unsuccessfully to be sure
But once the flow starts
It purges straight from the core.
There has to be a way
To reign in this ire
I need to understand
How to control this fire.
Life is a learning curve that has no plateau. Here I sit at 42 years on this rotating orb and am still fighting a problem that has plagued me most of my life, if not all of it.
Patience and tolerance seem to be my Achilles heel. While I have gotten better over the years at being a little more patient (with certain things at least), the intolerance still lingers -- and without signs of progress.
I have been really bothered lately by some personal things that have made me quite intolerable to be around. I have been miserably struggling trying to put my finger on the root cause and have been largely unable to. This uncertainty only fuels the misery.
The other day I decided I am going to cleanse myself from it and just go on. It doesn't matter what was bothering me, I am just going to forget about it and move on. I think I have done fairly well with that premise the past couple of days.
Today, however, I vented. As usual it was a petty thing that set it off, but once started, the flow forces on. It is totally reactionary and not at all "premeditated". I have no idea I am going to "blow up" until it happens.
Why? Why can I not get a handle on this? I am a fairly intelligent, somewhat reasonable person. I have studied some of the basic mechanisms of psychological processes, yet I cannot control my own temper -- at least not for a sustained period.
It's almost as if I have become one of those people that ain't happy unless they are unhappy (read as bitching about something), but the problem with that is the venting gives me no sense of satisfaction. I don't feel relieved. If anything, I am more angry at myself than the target of the eruption. It makes no sense!
I realize everyone loses their temper on occasion, but the frequency with which I have been doing so is quite accelerated and unacceptable. It wears on me, eats at me; and I know it does on those around me whom have to put up with me.
Lord give me the strength to overcome this! I pray every night for patience, tolerance and self-control.
Please let it get here before the lava scorches the earth around me and leaves me in a lonely, desolate, barren wasteland of my own contempt!
4 comments:
daddy. i am always here if you ever want to talk about it. i know you have no answers and it really bugs you. and i don't have any good ones either but i am sure it helps just to talk so if you ever need to let me know. i love you!
thanks sweetie.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Every day you try is a day closer to your goal.
when it starts, you can recognize it, so say to whomever you're venting at, "I'm sorry, I can't discuss this now," and walk away.
there will certainly be situation that that won't work in... but hell, it's worth a shot.
change begins when you really want it is the cop-out answer you give me. harder than it really looks isn't it; and when the lava flows you can't stop by sheer will power, can you? power and angry can be can be a type of addiction. seek help of some kind.
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