alright fair warning ... this is a rant. it is nothing more ... no substance ... not my normal "contribution", just a rant!
so i actually got out of the house today -- such a rare and enjoyable occasion -- even better when i get to without Dad. a friend of mine, one of the folks i have been privileged to go caving with lately, has a motorcycle he recently purchased. he got it for a song, but it needed work -- meaning not running but "a little TLC" will get it there.
anyhow, i went over there today and we tried to chase down an electrical issue (ugh! i STILL hate chasing electical issues). we did determine his solenoid was bad, and i'm convinced his battery is not strong enough to turn over the motor. this conclusion happened rather quickly, but being a sunday, there was little more that could be done, since the place he got the solenoid from was closed.
i spent most of the rest of daylight hours hanging out with them and enjoying their company. they even wanted me to stay for dinner. well who am i to refuse such hospitality? the food was great, the company was better.
i figured i would try to be civil and get back home before dark. not exactly an easy task since a band (filter) i have seen and enjoyed live were playing IN knoxville tonight (where i happened to be) for a low-dough show, but to keep dad from bitching too badly, i skipped it. surprisingly, upon my arrival he seemed rather calm and collected. sweet!
later on, he had an accident, and i guess he got defensive when i gave him hell for waiting so long. the progression (regression?) from there typically goes downhill. i have been party to this for a while, but after hearing the same thing enough times, you get, well perturbed! at least, i do!
one of his buttons he likes to push is "put me in a home" (only because he knows i have too much integrity to do that so he has no worries. i tell him to speak to me sober -- can you guess how many times this has happened?), the next "button" is "you will have to get a job!" he tries to use that as if he thinks it's something i *don't* want.
THE MOTHER FUCKER HAS NO CLUE!! and the timing was not good either -- which could well be why i am blowing off steam right now!
later this week the mortgage people are coming to repossess our trailer. had i been working, this would not have happened, but melissa, bless her heart, no matter how hard she works at her part-time job, cannot pay the mortgage alone. were i working, and supplementing our income, the mortgage would be paid, at least not enough to go through foreclosing -- but i "don't want" a job!
in 26 months, her and i are coming up on our 25th anniversary. our 25th anniversary was supposed to be spent together in germany. well, i'm not working. our bank account is NOWHERE NEAR where it needs to be to finance such a trip -- but i "don't want" to work!
i used to ride -- A LOT! it was typical to pull 15K miles in a year and a couple times over 20K. since having to tend to him, i get *maybe* 5K per year. i won't spend HIS money like i would MINE! there are things i *want* for my bike, that i won't ask, because i don't *need* them and ... again ... it's not "my" money -- but i "don't want" it!
i DID tell him i am fucking up my life by NOT working to tend to him, but am unsure that it sunk in, or, if it did, that the bastard even cares! sooooo fed up right now!
(sorry for the rant)
yep time for some linkin' park!!
1 comment:
i really hope you still believe in our future, like i do. nothing is ever impossible and i do truly love you. i still believe in us.
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