burn(t) bridge?

So I have been tending to Dad for a couple years or so now (although it seems MUCH longer!) and we have basically discussed all that we intend to on a casual basis. You know what I mean.

It's like when you are fist dating someone. There are loads of stories that you can share. After a few years, you have pretty much covered all the "old" stuff that you plan to share. Well, Dad and I have reached that point -- a while ago.

So we sit here day after day after day in almost complete silence, basically only uttering brief commentary on something regarding his idiot box since he does little else. That is, until, he gets a few beers in him. Then it gets interesting!

He has no self-control. He will drink himself into oblivion. With some folks that's no problem as they just get goofy until they pass out. Dad? well Dad is a different animal!

He sits there and grouses to himself barely above a whisper. Much of it sounds pretty hateful. Then out-of-nowhere sometimes, he will lash out and just get verbally abusive.

He has said a lot of things over the past couple years that have left permanent scars. Early on, I did not handle all of those hateful things with grace and likely have left a few on him as well when I responded to his lashing out. I have since learned (there may be hope?) it isn't worth it and to just let him spout off, regardless of what he says about me or anyone I care about.

However, after another one of his episodes last night, Melissa and I were talking and a light came on. I came to the realization that he has said enough hurtful things post-stroke, that I am not sure how much I even love him anymore. Yeah, I do, but ...  

It would be easy to say 'he's just drunk and doesn't mean that' and I would like to believe it. However, when the same things keep getting said over and over and over, it makes it harder to believe that he *doesn't* mean it.

Dad and I have always had a rocky (no pun intended) relationship -- dating way back to my youth. However, we have always managed to get past it. I used to think that the bridges we burnt, we were able to reconstruct because we always seemed to cut through the chaff.

With the things that have been said (and -continue- to be said) over the past couple of years, I am not sure that this burnt bridge will ever be rebuilt.