but damn, I wonder if it is. I often get called the "warden" ... a term i detest ... in the worst way. I think I am doing the right thing, but have no way of knowing until subjected to the same situations. So no matter how I choose to self-glorify things, I constantly wonder if keeping Dad going, even tthough he is physically not (and yet mentally) able, is a good thing.
*I* can do things for *me*, but he is unable to do (simple) things for himslef. It totally fuckin' sucks! I cannot even begin to explain how I feel. let alone him.
I totally wish I could trade places with him, since I am used to physically fighting through isssues more than he is and mentally prepared to face said issues. It's a different mindset. In this instance, I think I could survive better than he. SAD!
Ever since he has succombed to this frail postion, I have been referred to as the "warden"... That irks me! in many ways!
He is *not* the only prisoner here ............. so am I .... so is my wife (now that the kids have gone off to their "own lives" and school --- even moreso), as well as my relationship with ANYone other than him!
I am not pleading for sympathy, but am struggling for "me" time, to be sure. Hell, if that independent soul would succumb to the fact that he needs occsaisonal physical help, he wouldn't be so constrained to his chair and a TV. Pisses me off!
To be called a "warden" (implying keeping his sorry ass alive for *my* benefit )only pours salt in the wounds. That burns me up! Luckily, it hasn't happened much lately, but it still hurts!
I don't know what the point of this blog is, other than I see other friends out playing in >30* temps on their bikes .... today it was 50+ and sunny. Guess where I would've been today sans Dad? and we sat here and watched fuggin' TV. PATHETIC!
Why ? Because he believe he cannot do anything else! I have told him countless times that I am here to allow him the physical side that he can no longer conjure. I understand the independence thing and *hate* asking ANYone for ANYthing! Yet, we sit here because all he can do is press buttons on his remote and piss in his urinal.
So I am a warden! I keep an otherwise useless contribution to society alive ....
why? "because it's the right thing to do" ... is not the correct answer here.
3 comments:
part of me is surprised that you're not directing the daily activities... like, "Today we're going to X destination." and then putting him in the truck and going.
if you're going to be called the warden, you might as well use the power it gives you.
meh. he's a grown man, even if he doesn't always act that way. i am not going to tell him what to do and when.
why not...you tell me where to go and when!!! haa sorry seriously though...it IS him but he is depressed and he might really need a help up. There was something on the news the other night about someone that had some horrible happen. He can't walk anymore...he found new hobbies and inspirations, starting painting. Dad needs to find a way out of his funk. He might need some help or push though. You know as well as i do that depression is like chasing your own tail in circles. It is not a crutch to have some help to stop the cycle.
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